this is a picture of my grandmother on my dad's side.  she died when i was young, so i only have little blips of memories about her.  i've been thinking a lot about life and death lately--not in a morbid sort of way, just with a sort of childlike fascination.  this picture brings up feelings about both--the new life of someone who is now deceased.  i've been trying to work through my feelings, which I think comes down to something like a biological clock thats ticking, but that idea is so problematic.  do women really feel the need to reproduce?  biologically, we are animals and perhaps there is an instinctual need to perpetuate our genes and our species.  at the same time, i know that we don't have to reproduce and perhaps i'm feeling cultural pressures to settle down and have a family.  spiritually, i'm told that having children would give me a new and selfless purpose in life and i would experience real love--and who could say no to that?

at the same time, the world can be an ugly place.  how could i think about bringing another child into the world when there are so many children without families, food, housing, education, or love?  how can i bring a child into a world in which people still manipulate each other, blow each other up, tear down trees to build malls, and leave people on the street to starve?  the point of this blog is to remind myself that there are simply beautiful things in the world and that not everything is bad.  which side of the story will win out?  would having children change how i feel about the world? 

perhaps having children is one of the most radical things one could do?